A Sad Life Update

Hello everyone and long time no see!

A lot has passed since my last writing. So many ups and downs.

The big thing is that AI has taken over everything, even I was recommended to write this with AI assistance when I was writing this!

Not to worry, I am not here to write about AI. I am sure you have read plenty of good articles out there from tech experts.

Currently I do not consider myself a tech person anymore. So who am I currently?

Honestly, I have no idea. I guess for the first time in my life, I do not know who I am anymore.

Let me share all that happened while I was gone.

2022

I thought 2022 was the rock bottom. So it went upwards for a little while. I was lifted and felt like I was finally happy, until I am being brought to a place lower than the rock bottom right now.

Around March 2022, I experienced a very intense depression to the point that I actually did it. I took some pills hoping I would be gone from this world. But my body probably rejected the poison and coincidentally, my mother arrived home. I was taken to the emergency unit and got a pipe shoved down my throat.

My liver is damaged, and it is my internal scar. The scar that nobody can see.

I admit it, I was really stupid. I didn't have any job at the time. I was trying many different businesses and nothing worked. On top of that I get yelled at by people I love the most so it hurt my feelings so much. I felt really lost as nobody I could talk to and nobody understands me. When I tried to speak out, they blamed me, instead. I felt like there was nothing or no one I could turn to. In 2021, I decided to quit my job and went back to Indonesia to reunite with my family only to find the feeling that my family never wanted me back in the first place because I didn't have any income and I was kind of like making their life more difficult.

When I was in the hospital, people just told me I was really stupid and that my action made them very inconvenient. But I cannot really do anything, nor I could speak a word. I had a pipe down my throat so I couldn't speak, eat, or drink for several days. I was fed only with a tunnel. Sometimes I cried because my throat hurts so much and I couldn't sleep at all at night.

I remember the day I can finally go home, my mother, whom I loved so much, told me I was just really sensitive, stupid, and that I really should not be doing that.

I cried really bad. I thought, why would a person I loved very much said such hurtful words to me?

My eldest sister is really a understanding person, sometimes, I took her as my mother instead of my real mother. She offered me to stay with her for the time being.

Months go by, I finally got some freelance gigs, even got a stable job, too. I was really grateful. I give thanks to God, my friends, and my family, too.

I was tempted to say everything in my blog and in my Youtube channel. But I hid myself under a pretense, that I am okay.

At the same time, I was in psychotherapy for my depression and took medications. The medication made me feel very drowsy most of the time for several months. But it made me better mentally.

2023

I think 2023 was good! I like 2023!

I was building my career. I focused on working, I enjoy life on the weekend. I took running as a hobby because I gained weight! I finally started to look for a life partner as my goal is to have a family on my own. I wanted to get married, and then have a child. I informed the online world that I am available. I got to know several people, but nothing serious. My therapy was still going on but I don't feel the side effect anymore. I think the really bad thing about the psychotherapy was my appetite grew larger and I ate a lot more portion. Several people said I got heavier, it made me sad because I felt so ugly.

I started running a little bit. From only 2km, to 3km, 5km, 10km, and before I knew it, I signed up for a half marathon! I was really proud of myself that I could complete it. Additionally, my mental health was really improved thanks to the work out.

My career has challenges, but nothing I could not solve. I even got to be friends with my colleagues. We visited the sites together and worked together.

2024

2024 is the continuation of good things from 2023. I ran more, I met more people that helped me to run better and faster. I got my personal best in 10KM at 1hr 9mins! Yes, that is a 'snail-pace', but I was a sloth, so I was really proud of myself. I never thought I could be this powerful person that runs 10km, goes to the gym 5 times a week, and lift weights. I saw how my body transformed into a much better version of myself. I had better sense of style, I bought nicer clothes.

I also tried going to psychologist to talk about my issues. I do not have any friend. I'm never good at making friends and relations. I wanted to have many friends, but I do not know how. I took a bit of Cognitive Behavior Therapy but did not complete it as I didn't have too much money to spare on the therapy. But it opened my mind a lot and made me became aware of my issues. It felt like I am closer and closer to healing.

By the end of 2024, I met someone. He was really kind to me and he wanted to get married with me.

2025

This is it. This is the year I am finally broken.

My employer called all of us in a town hall, announcing the company shutting down. I was devastated. But my man told me not to worry as he would take care of me.

One lunch after church, his mother and siblings disrespected me by saying that I am already old, and that I should not be thinking too much. However, I believed it anyway. I took that "advice" and finally accepted his marriage proposal. We were just dated for 3months and then engaged. It was very quick, but I thought his mother was right, I am old. I do not have time to rethink this through. I think he was really kind and loving to me so I think I am ready to get married to him. A month later, his family came into our house to officially proposes (our culture) to me. I was given a gold necklace and a basket of fruit. I was really happy that day and we took some photos.

Months flew by, I felt like the happiest I ever be. I felt so lucky to have him, I thank him for being with me and I promised to myself I wanted to grow better, because of him. So I continued the therapy sessions. Each time, I kept asking myself, "why am I so anxious and angry all the time?". I have to admit, I got angry many times and anxious with him. I have this gut feeling that he doesn't care about me and doesn't love me. But he always tried to convince me that it is all just in my head. I believed it and kept blaming myself.

"Where are this negative thought come from?"

"What's wrong with me? Why am I thinking of this?"

I felt like I am mentally challenged. I guess I was crazy. So I kept reminding myself that he loves me, I got to believe it!

I got busy planning for the wedding, designing our wedding invitation, taking pre-wedding photoshoots, and so many more. I was really excited and looking forward to our wedding day!

But at the same time, I started to feel like he doesn't act like the way he used to when we first met. I thought maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I kept nagging him, that's why he doesn't act loving anymore. Or maybe he was really busy with his renovations.

Fast forward to June 2025, the most challenging month for my relationship with him. June started with an argument, just like any other arguments, it was cause by his family's actions.

His family didn't like my invitation design at all and wanted to change the entire concept and color palette. I disagreed and wanted to get to the middle ground by making changes to accommodate their wants. But my design was driven by them to be worse by each revision. I felt like my man cannot defend me in front of his family. I felt like his family make too many decisions, while my family gave freedom to me.

That is of course only one of the many problems we have. As more problems arise, he began giving ultimatums that he would leave me. I was devastated when he said such thing. Once again, I felt abandoned by the person I loved the most. He made countless mistakes and I always forgave him, but this time he really couldn't forgive me. To this day, I did not think it was at all my fault. After all, I was only expressing concerns with his family.

Fast forward to the end of June, it finally happened. The person I thought would never leave me finally left me.

The wedding dream I always had and looked forward to? Gone.

The excitement to finally have my own family? Diminished.

His promises that he will take care of me and never leave me? Missing.

I went silent the next day and never talk to him again. I finally saw it. At last, I knew what happened.

I was never crazy, I was never overthinking. I was right all along. He never loved me. He only pretended to love me.

This betrayal felt like I was blind and now I see. I realized what happened all along.

I realized I was being taken as a fool. I was devalued, day by day. And it was indeed all my fault for not walking away. I lied to myself and said "ok maybe that was not disrespect, it was just a different opinion!"

I have absolutely moved on from him. I do not need him in my life.

But what I cannot move on from, is the fact that I've lost myself. I loved him so much and hated myself so much, that I gave all of me.

I used to take care of these 2 cats in my old home. They are the best cats I have ever seen. They are so well-behaved and so unlike other stray cats. When we moved to a different house, my mother told me not to bring them. I did not bring them to the new house. Days later, I miss them so much and I decided to find them again and bring them to my new house. So I went and looked. I couldn't find them again. I was really sad, to lost something that was really valuable to me.

It felt just like that. It was like you are holding a big diamond but you tossed it to the road thinking it doesn't matter, until you realized how valuable that is. And when you came back to find it, it was nowhere to be found.

My soul, my energy, my passion, my personality, they are all gone.

I do not know who I am anymore. I lived each day like a zombie.

I sometimes asked myself, if he were to come back and apologize, would it restore my life again?

No, I do not think so. I genuinely don't think that would restore anything I have missed.

I realized I have nobody. I am left to my empty self now.

Since 2022 until now, did anything changed, at all?

My mother still yells at me.

My mother still blames me for being an inconvenience, despite having my own income.

I still have no one that actually loves me.

If I can be honest, I still wanted myself to be gone. But I do not want another cord stuck in my throat anymore, so I don't want to do it.

I cried to my Lord every other day, I am weary. I am really tired. I really don't think I could do this anymore. I do not want to be tested anymore. I want to rest. i want to be happy. I want to be healed.

I've lost myself. I do not know how to get it back.

Goodbye, and I hope to see you again soon.

-Leni